I’m not trying to sound like a crazy person, but I discovered that my first love is/was a KPOP idol and I’ve been wondering what I should think about it for a while. Back in those days, there were certain cafes near school. There was a boy who frequented them often with his friends, and my friends would always tease me when he was around because he definitely was my style. Cute guy, not too tall, not too short (okay, maybe a bit short, but barely under average), super pretty smile.. Pretty sure he went to the somewhat nearby male only school because all his friends were dudes and I would remember if I had seen someone decently pretty like that around. We talked a bit, he told me his name, and I introduced myself back. After a few more times of always seeing each other there, we actually exchanged numbers and Katalked each other often. As soon as one of us was bored in class the other got bombarded with texts, it became that sort of comfortable relationship. It was going really well. We’re the same age so we dropped honorifics and all, called each other often instead of just texting. It was light but definitely flirtatious conversations. I was going to confess but he suddenly stopped responding 😐 His friends told me something came up and he moved out of the region, and I assumed that meant he went far, maybe somewhere like Busan? So I just let it be, what teenager wants a long distance relationship anyways? It was too messy so I just let it go. In retrospect, I’m pretty sure that period is the same time as he began training. I can understand it, you’re not supposed to talk to girls when training and a dedication towards the fans is what an idol should have. It’s this fact that leaves me hung up though, like if it weren’t for this, what could have happened? If anyone wants to know how I figured out the guy was an idol, I heard about the survival show Under Nineteen by a younger cousin a few years later, and she showed me her pick and I realized it was the same guy. I wasn’t too certain at first because he had changed his name, I guess a stage name? But I saw him smile and it was obviously the same smile, for sure. Idol styling looks so good on him, but his natural face is already great so I’m not shocked. It made me have a lot of thoughts, I almost watched the show to support him but that felt weird and kind of parasocial despite actually knowing him. So I just stopped thinking about it for a while, but then the same cousin came crying to me about their disbandment. It’s terrible, and I really feel for them, but I can’t help but think maybe we can rekindle things since the barrier of idols not being allowed to date is down. I’ve been busy so I haven’t acted upon it, but should I? Do I message this guy’s Katalk again? Or his instagram? Or do I just let bygones be bygones and let the first love go. Should I even feel hung up about a guy who I talked with years ago? I really did feel a spark though, or maybe I was just looking at everything with rose-colored glasses because first love. I haven’t really felt that excited talking to a male in a while (everyone else is another story, pansexual life has done me pretty well 🥵 but even then no true wishes for long-form relationships) so that also is skewing my thoughts. ++ Before anyone is like, “u live in kr why put this here haha fake” Reason why I’m putting this here and not on the Korean side of the internet is that I don’t want him to see it, that would be very embarrassing especially if he could identify me back… I want to be slick not weird to him okay 😢

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