This is might sound like something only a sociopath would ask but hear me out!

I’ve never had a crush on someone, ever. And honestly, I can’t really even wrap my head around how that happens.

Here’s the thing, I definitely am interested in romance, I’ve never dated but I really, really want to just to see what it’s like and to get some life experience (I’m nearing 22 (or am already 22 depending on when this posts). So basically, when talking to people, I divide them into two groups: people I like, and people I don’t like. The “people I like” group are basically those who I see as my friends, or people I want to befriend. Sounds normal so far right? BUT I’ve noticed that once people enter the “friend” part of my brain (so for this situation, let’s call it the friendzone) they can’t get out. It’s impossible for me to see any of my friends as more than friends, even when they’re almost exactly my “type.” It’s kind of like you’ll always see your family as family, you won’t ever want to date your sibling or cousin right? They’re family so it’s gross!

So I’ve had many awkward moments where because we get along so well, my friend(s) would have a crush on me and I’d have to reject them. Even though logically, it would make total sense for me to want to date them, they’re everything I want in a partner, we get along well, agree on serious or political topics, have shared our deepest darkest secrets with each other, and sometimes I when I think about a future without them (such as falling out of touch, or having a intense fight, etc.) I get seriously sad and depressed. But despite that, I don’t feel anything for them and can’t even try if I wanted to! They’re permanently friendzoned without no exit out.

So then I thought about meeting people with the prospect of dating. But for some reason it’s either awkward or again, the above happens where when I like someone, they’re automatically a friend, thus it cuts off all chances of me developing romantic feelings for them.

Then there’s the issue of me having never had a crush before, which only recently I discovered how uncommon that was. Apparently most people, if not nearly all, have had at least one crush growing up, whether as children or teenagers. Me? Nope. There would be cute classmates, but I think I would just admire their facial features and not think about it past that. Literally I have no idea how people develop crushes on others randomly. How does someone “fall” for someone else?

It’s strange, because I’m not sure why I feel like this and I wonder if this is truly an abnormal experience. Are there any others out there who feel like me?